I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
did i just pee glitter
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
