Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
