You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
The police scanner is talking about you again....
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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