She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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