I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
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