Just fell off a train. Bad.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize