apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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