Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
