ya dads aren't the best wingmen
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
