dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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