Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
