I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
