Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
