You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
