I am spending my child support on dildos
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
