if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
