PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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