How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
