I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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