Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
