When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
pop tarts are not kleenex
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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