he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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