so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
im on a boat
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