i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
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