do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
