So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
