Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize