a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
