I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
