don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
