There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
