you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
