She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
