watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
So here I am, sexting at work.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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