Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
