I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
