Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
