my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
