I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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