just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Randomize
