when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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