Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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