i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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