She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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