I wish my penis had an off switch
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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