i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
