i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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