i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize