So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
