it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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