You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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