my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
You can't motorboat a personality
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
