dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
