it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
