Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Randomize
