i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
