you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Two words: blizzard sex
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
