Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I could make wine with my vomit
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
