I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I need a burrito and a hug.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
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