Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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