Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
