I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Girls should come with a carfax report
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
