My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
