Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
