if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
