I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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