8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
