me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
