My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
