I am spending my child support on dildos
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
My vagina is officially offended.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize