also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
